WHAT YOU DOING OVER THERE?
GOT TO GO.
HOW COME?
A JOB.
FUNNY HOURS.
FUNNY JOB.
WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN?
NO.
YOU WEREN'T WEARING THAT EARLIER, WERE YOU?
I BROUGHT IT.
THANK GOD.
YOU LOOK LIKE A CREEP.
HEY!
YOU GOT GREAT HANDS.
HOW AM I DOING, TOMMY?
TWO MINUTES, JACK.
YOU'RE GIVING ME AN ULCER, JACK.
I'M EARLY.
45 SECONDS DOESN'T QUALIFY AS EARLY, JACK.
JESUS, WHO'S DOING YOUR TUX THESE DAYS?
GO TO CHINA BOY.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST CRAWLED OUT OF BED.
"BE THE ENVY OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS
WITH MIRACLE HAIR."
THIS IS PAINT, FRANK.
IT'S A MAGICAL SHEATH
WHICH SIMULATES A DAZZLING HEAD OF HAIR.
FRANK, THIS IS PAINT.
JUST HELP ME PUT IT ON, OK?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SPRAY IN A CIRCULAR MOTION.
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING,
AND WELCOME TO THE STARFIRE LOUNGE.
MY NAME IS FRANK BAKER.
88 KEYS ACROSS FROM ME IS MY LITTLE BROTHER JACK.
WE'VE BEEN PLAYING TOGETHER FOR--
GOSH, HOW LONG, JACK?
31 YEARS.
LOT OF WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE, HUH, JACK?
A LOT OF WATER.
THINGS WERE DIFFERENT THEN.
I WAS 11, JACK WAS 7.
OUR ONLY LISTENER WAS THE FAMILY CAT CECIL.
WE MUST HAVE SHAVED THREE LIVES OFF THAT CAT.
SERIOUSLY, IT'S BEEN 15 YEARS
SINCE JACK AND I STEPPED ON THE STAGE AS PROFESSIONALS.
EVEN THOUGH WE'VE PLAYED
SOME OF THE FINEST VENUES IN THE WORLD,
THERE'S ONE PLACE THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN FOR US
A VERY SPECIAL PLACE.
AND THAT PLACE IS THIS PLACE,
THE STARFIRE LOUNGE.
WHY?
I GUESS YOU COULD JUST SAY IT'S THE...
PEOPLE.
[PLAYSPEOPLE]
TERRIFIC, BOYS. REALLY TERRIFIC.
YES, SIR, YOU'RE JUST WHAT WE NEEDED
ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS.
THANKS, LLOYD.
ONLY, JACK, DO ME A FAVOR.
IF YOU WANT TO SMOKE ON STAGE, WEAR SUNGLASSES
AND PLAY WITH THE NIGGERS ON STATE STREET.
HERE. THAT OUGHT TO BUY YOU A FEW MORE LESSONS.
DON'T KNOW WHEN YOU'D BE WANTING US BACK?
I'LL CALL YOU.
THE WAY OUR SCHEDULE IS,
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO, UH...
I'LL CALL YOU.
COUNT IT.
HUH?
COUNT IT.
JACK.
COUNT THE FUCKING MONEY, FRANK.
IT'S ALL HERE.
I'LL BE TALKING TO YOU, LLOYD.
VERY NICE, JACK, VERY NICE.
FUCK HIM.
THIS ISN'T THE PINE TREE INN ON ROUTE 81, JACK.
FUCK HIM.
OH, GREAT. TERRIFIC. FUCK HIM.
SO ARE WE ON FOR TOMORROW NIGHT?
MAYBE THURSDAY.
I HEAR THE HARPIST AT THE SHERATON'S GOT APPENDICITIS.
HEY...
DON'T FORGET YOUR HAIR.
[PLAYSJINGLE BELLS]
I THINK I'M READY
FOR "OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE."
YOUR MOM GOT A NEW FRIEND?
MM-HMM.
SOUNDS BIG. WHAT'S HE DO?
KIND OF LIKE A LAWYER,
BUT THE HOURS ARE MORE REGULAR.
ONE AFTERNOON HE CAME TO TAKE THE TV AWAY.
ENDED UP STAYING FOR DINNER.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DOUGHNUT KING?
MARRIED.
[DOOR SLAMS]
NO BREAKFAST. MAYBE THEY HAD A FIGHT.
NINA!
GOT TO GO. TEACH ME LATER?
NINA!
I'M COMING.
ARE YOU BOTHERING MR. BAKER AGAIN?
NO, MOM.
HEY. GET UP.
[PLAYS THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA]
[BLENDER RUNS]
THANK YOU.MAHALO.
THAT CONCLUDES OUR SHOW THIS EVENING.
HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOURSELVES AS MUCH AS WE DID.
AND, UH...
[SPEAKING HAWAIIAN]
WHICH MEANS "PADDLE HOME SAFELY."
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, CHARLIE?
FRANKIE! YEAH, YEAH. COME ON IN.
A LITTLE SLOW TONIGHT.
MONDAYS. HOW'S JACK?
OK.
THE REASON I WANTED TO SEE YOU ALONE IS--
THE KITCHEN HELP, THE MAIDS,
THEY ALL LOVE HIM.
HE MAKES ME NERVOUS.
SOMETIMES HE MAKES ME NERVOUS.
YEAH. WELL, ANYWAY.
WHAT'S THIS?
YOUR PAY.
WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW?
IT'S ALL THERE. BOTH NIGHTS.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, CHARLIE?
FRANK, YOU AND JACK,
YOU'VE BEEN WORKING HERE A LONG TIME.
12 YEARS.
MAYBE WE NEED A VACATION FROM ONE ANOTHER.
VACATION. COME ON, CHARLIE.
IT'S A MONDAY NIGHT. YOU SAID SO YOURSELF.
I GOT THE PIANOS FOR TWO NIGHTS.
IT WASN'T HALF FULL TONIGHT.
I GOT SIX WAITERS STANDING AROUND
LISTENING TO BASKETBALL.
TO MOVE THE LIQUOR,
I GOT TO FILL THE TABLES.
IT'S A MATTER OF ECONOMICS.
NOW I LOVE YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW THAT.
YOU'RE CLASS.
PEOPLE TODAY, THEY DON'T KNOW CLASS
IF IT WALKS UP AND GRABS THEM BY THE BALLS.
15 YEARS, NO ONE'S PAID US OFF, FRANK.
HE MADE THE DEAL. NO SHAME IN IT.
WE GOT TO TALK.
TALK.
I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD MAKE SOME CHANGES.
I'VE BEEN THINKING
MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE ON A SINGER.
IT'S JUST AN IDEA.
I WANT YOUR OPINION.
I MEAN, WE GO HALFWAY ON EVERYTHING, RIGHT?
I WOULDN'T SAY EXACTLY HALFWAY, WOULD YOU?
I'M ENTITLED TO EXTRA FOR THE BUSINESS WORK,
THAT'S WHAT WE AGREED.
IF YOU'RE UNHAPPY WITH THE ARRANGEMENT...
I'M NOT UNHAPPY.
ASSUME MORE OF THE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY.
HOW MUCH FOR THE SINGER?
I THOUGHT MAYBE 20%.
WITH THE ADDITIONAL BOOKINGS,
WE'LL COME OUT AHEAD.
WHAT?
TWO PIANOS ISN'T ENOUGH ANYMORE, JACK.
IT NEVER WAS.
WE APPRECIATE YOUR PUNCTUALITY, MISS, UH...
MORAN. MONICA MORAN.
ALL RIGHT, MISS MORAN.
ACTUALLY, THAT'S MY STAGE NAME.
I'M SORRY?
MORAN, MONICA, THE WHOLE THING.
IT'S MY STAGE NAME.
MY REAL NAME'S BLANCHE.
BLANCHE?
NO ROMANCE, RIGHT?
THAT'S WHY I CHOSE MONICA.
IT'S WHAT I PREFER.
OH, WELL. THAT'S--THAT'S FINE.
BUT IF YOU CALL ME AND MY MOTHER ANSWERS,
ASK FOR BLANCHE,
OR SHE'LL THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER AND HANG UP.
UH-HUH.
UH...WELL, MISS MORAN,
WHAT IS IT YOU'D LIKE TO DO FOR US?
THE CANDY MAN.
IS THAT ALL RIGHT?
THAT'S ONE OF JACK'S FAVORITES.
AH!
I ALMOST FORGOT YOU WERE THERE.
UM, HERE'S THE INSTRUCTIONS.
UH... HE KNOWS IT.
REALLY?
ISN'T THAT A COINCIDENCE?
SMALL WORLD.
WELL, SHALL WE?
♪♪ WHO CAN TAKE A SUNRISE ♪♪
♪♪ SPRINKLE IT WITH DEW ♪♪
♪♪ COVER IT IN CHOCOLATE AND A MIRACLE OR TWO ♪♪
♪♪ THE CANDY MAN CAN ♪♪
♪♪ THE CANDY MAN CAN 'CAUSE HE... ♪♪
THANK YOU. THAT'S ENOUGH.
♪♪ ...MAKES THE WORLD TASTE GOOD ♪♪
MISS MORAN.
♪♪ WHO CAN TAKE A RAINBOW... ♪♪♪♪
MISS MORAN.
BLANCHE!
OH...SORRY.
I GET SO CAUGHT UP IN IT SOMETIMES.
IT'S SCARY.
YES, IT IS.
OH, WELL. OK. THANK YOU.
♪♪ AND NOW THE END IS NEAR ♪♪
♪♪ AND SO I FACE THE FINAL CURTAIN ♪♪
♪♪ MY FRIENDS, I'LL MAKE IT CLEAR ♪♪
♪ ♪♪ I'LL STATE MY CASE... ♪♪♪
♪♪ UP, UP AND AWAY ♪♪
♪♪ IN MY BEAUTIFUL BALLOON ♪♪
♪♪ WOULD YOU LIKE TO FLY ♪♪
♪♪ IN MY BEAUTIFUL BALLOON... ♪♪♪♪
♪ ♪♪ WELL, TINY BUBBLES... ♪♪♪
♪♪ WHEN MY BABY SMILES AT ME ♪♪
♪♪ I GO TO RIO... ♪♪♪♪
♪♪ FEELINGS... ♪♪♪♪
♪♪ I WANT TO LOVE YOU ♪♪
♪♪ FEEL YOU ♪♪
♪♪ WRAP MYSELF AROUND YOU ♪♪
♪♪ I'M SO EXCITED ♪♪
♪♪ JUST ABOUT TO LOSE CONTROL ♪♪
♪♪ I'M ABOUT TO LOSE CONTROL ♪♪
♪♪ AND I THINK I LIKE IT ♪♪
♪♪ I LIKE IT ♪♪
♪♪ I LOVE IT ♪♪
♪♪ AAAAHH ♪♪♪♪
37. 37 GIRLS,
AND NOT ONE THAT CAN CARRY A TUNE.
THERE WAS A CERTAIN SURREAL QUALITY TO IT.
[CRACK]
GOD DAMN IT!
SHIT.
STUPID SHOE.
IS THIS WHERE THE AUDITIONS ARE?
THIS IS WHERE THE AUDITIONS WERE.
WE'RE FINISHED.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
YOU'RE 1 1/2 HOURS LATE.
YEAH. WELL, I HAD A LITTLE TROUBLE CATCHING A CAB.
PUNCTUALITY.
FIRST RULE OF SHOW BUSINESS.
THIS IS SHOW BUSINESS?
LOOK, MISS, WE'RE TIRED,
YOU HAVE GUM ON YOUR LIP,
AND WE'RE GOING HOME.
HUH. JUST LIKE THAT, HUH?
I COME ALL THIS WAY, BREAK A HEEL,
AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GIVE ME A CHANCE
BECAUSE I'M A LITTLE LATE.
1 1/2 HOURS LATE.
WANT ME TO SAY IT AGAIN?
WELL, IT'S NOT EXACTLY BEWITCHING ME.
BESIDES, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
INTUITION. I'VE HAD A HUNCH ABOUT THIS ALL DAY,
ONLY IN MY MIND,
IT WAS MORE GLAMOROUS.
SO, WHERE'S THE WINNER?
SEE? WHAT DID I TELL YOU? INTUITION.
JACK?
WHAT HAVE WE GOT TO LOSE?
TERRIFIC.
38.
WHAT'S THAT, 38,
SOME KIND OF SECRET CODE?
NAME?
SUSIE. SUSIE DIAMOND.
CATCHY.
YOU HAVE ANY PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE AS A SINGER?
NO.
ANY ENTERTAINMENT EXPERIENCE AT ALL?
THE LAST FEW YEARS I'VE BEEN ON CALL
FOR THE TRIPLE A ESCORT SERVICE.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SHARE WITH US TODAY, MISS DIAMOND?
MORE THAN YOU KNOW.
REAL SLOW, OK?
♪♪ MORE THAN YOU KNOW ♪♪
♪♪ MAN OF MY HEART ♪♪
♪♪ I LOVE YOU SO ♪♪
♪♪ LATELY I FIND ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'RE ON MY MIND ♪♪
♪♪ MORE THAN YOU KNOW ♪♪
♪♪ WHETHER YOU'RE RIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ WHETHER YOU'RE WRONG ♪♪
♪♪ MAN OF MY HEART ♪♪
♪♪ I'LL STRING ALONG ♪♪
♪♪ YOU NEED ME SO ♪♪
♪♪ MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER ♪♪
♪♪ KNOW ♪♪♪♪
SO?
DIDN'T I TELL EVERYONE 7:15, HUH?
SHE'LL GET HERE.
RIGHT. JUST LIKE THE DAY OF THE AUDITIONS.
JESUS!
HOW'S MY HAIR?
AWE-INSPIRING.
YOURS ISN'T. LET ME RUN A COMB THROUGH IT.
COME ON, STAND STILL.
GET OUT OF HERE!
FRANK, I'M GOING TO HIT YOU.
HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
OOH...SHIT.
YOU HIT ME.
I TOLD YOU I WOULD.
I'M A LITTLE WOUND UP.
YOU'RE A FUCKING ALARM CLOCK.
I JUST WISH SHE'D GET HERE.
SHE'S HERE.
OH, CHRIST. LOOK AT HER.
GOOD EVENING, MISS DIAMOND. YOU'RE LATE.
GUEST VOCALIST?
WHO'S NEXT WEEK, BEVERLY SILLS?
HOW COME MY PICTURE'S NOT ON THE POSTER?
WE'LL TALK LATER. WHERE'S YOUR DRESS?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IS THERE A LANGUAGE PROBLEM?
WHERE'S YOUR DRESS?
WHAT, DO I LOOK NAKED?
WHAT, THAT?
WHAT, ARE YOU INSANE?
WE'RE NOT TRICK-OR-TREATING.
HE DOESN'T LIKE MY DRESS, RIGHT?
THERE'S NOT MUCH TIME.
FOR WHAT? DON'T GRAB ME. DON'T GRAB ME!
YOU WEAR AN 8?
A 6.
HERE. HOW ABOUT THIS?
HOW'S THIS?
DON'T WORRY. WE'LL TAKE THESE OUT OF YOUR SHARE.
YOU'RE A PRINCE.
JACK, TOUCH ME UP.
REMEMBER, JACK AND I GO ON FIRST.
I SET UP, INTRODUCING YOU.
LOOKS GOOD.
JUST DO IT. AND YOU SAY?
GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN-- WHAT IS THAT?
WINDING YOUR WATCH TONIGHT, FRANKIE?
JUST A LITTLE EMERGENCY, RAY.
WHO'S THIS, MINNIE PEARL?
WE NEED SCISSORS HERE!
I WANT 75 MINUTES, FRANKIE.
DON'T WORRY. THEY'LL CUT THIS OFF.
SCISSORS! COME ON!
LET'S GO, JACK. FIX YOUR TIE.
GOOD LUCK. IT'S AN UGLY GROUP.
THEY'RE SENDING BACK THE CHEESE BALLS.
NO SCISSORS.
[FEEDBACK]
GOOD EVENING.
WELCOME TO THE AMBASSADOR LOUNGE.
MY NAME'S FRANK BAKER.
NO, YOU'RE NOT SEEING DOUBLE.
IT'S JUST MY BROTHER JACK.
HEY!
A SIP, FOR THE BUTTERFLIES.
OK, BUT NO LIPSTICK.
HEY, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR WRIST?
THE NEXT HOUR AND A HALF OF MY LIFE.
...AND THAT PLACE IS THIS PLACE,
THE AMBASSADOR LOUNGE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME A SPECIAL LADY
WITH A SPECIAL WAY OF SINGING A SONG,
MISS SUSIE DIAMOND!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
The switch.
Hit the switch.
The switch?
WHAT FUCKING SWITCH?
PARDON ME.
I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW THRILLED I AM TO BE HERE.
♪♪ I WORK AT THE PALACE BALLROOM ♪♪
♪♪ BUT, GEE, THAT PALACE IS CHEAP ♪♪
♪♪ WHEN I GET HOME ♪♪
♪♪ TO MY CHILLY HALL ROOM ♪♪
♪♪ I'M MUCH TOO TIRED TO SLEEP ♪♪
♪♪ I'M ONE OF THOSE LADY TEACHERS ♪♪
♪♪ A BEAUTIFUL HOSTESS, YOU KNOW ♪♪
♪♪ ONE THAT THE PALACE FEATURES ♪♪
♪♪ AT EXACTLY A DIME ♪♪
♪♪ A THROW ♪♪
♪♪ TEN CENTS A DANCE ♪♪
♪♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY PAY ME ♪♪
♪♪ GOSH ♪♪
♪♪ HOW THEY WEIGH ME DOWN ♪♪
♪♪ TEN CENTS A DANCE ♪♪
♪♪ PANSIES AND ROUGH GUYS ♪♪
♪♪ TOUGH GUYS WHO TEAR MY GOWN ♪♪
♪♪ SEVEN TO MIDNIGHT I HEAR DRUMS ♪♪
♪♪ LOUDLY THE SAXOPHONE BLOWS ♪♪
♪♪ TRUMPETS ARE TEARING MY EARDRUMS ♪♪
♪♪ CUSTOMERS CRUSH MY TOES ♪♪
♪♪ SOMETIMES I THINK ♪♪
♪♪ I'VE FOUND MY HERO ♪♪
♪♪ BUT IT'S A QUEER ROMANCE ♪♪
♪♪ ALL THAT YOU NEED IS A TICKET ♪♪
♪♪ COME ON, BIG BOY ♪♪
♪♪ TEN CENTS A DANCE ♪♪♪♪
FUCKING! SHE SAYS FUCKING
BEFORE AN ENTIRE ROOM OF PEOPLE.
I APOLOGIZED.
DID YOU HEAR IT?
FUCKING.
THEY WERE ON THEIR THIRD MAI TAI BY THEN.
FUCKING!
CHRIST, I SAID IT, I DIDN'T DO IT.
I DON'T THINK THEY WERE OFFENDED.
WE'RE NOT A SALOON ACT.
WE DON'T TAKE TIPS FROM DIRTY OLD MEN.
I WAS GOING TO SPLIT IT WITH YOU GUYS.
NO TIPS. I'LL APPLY THIS TO THE DRESS.
THEN I WANT MY PICTURE ON THE POSTER,
AND MY NAME,
AND THESE SHOES ARE TOO FUCKING TIGHT!
[HORN HONKS]
HEY!
NICE GIRL.
♪♪ I LOVE YOU, BABY ♪♪
♪♪ AND IF IT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ I NEED YOU, BABY ♪♪
♪♪ TO WARM THE LONELY NIGHTS ♪♪
♪♪ I LOVE YOU, BABY ♪♪
♪♪ TRUST IN ME WHEN I SAY ♪♪
♪♪ I LOVE YOU, BABY ♪♪
♪♪ AND IF IT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ I NEED YOU, BABY ♪♪
♪♪ TO WARM THE LONELY NIGHTS ♪♪
♪♪ I LOVE YOU, BABY ♪♪
♪♪ TRUST IN ME WHEN I SAY ♪♪
♪♪ OH, PRETTY BABY ♪♪
♪♪ DON'T BRING ME DOWN, I PRAY ♪♪
♪♪ OH, PRETTY BABY ♪♪
♪♪ NOW THAT I FOUND YOU, STAY ♪♪
♪♪ AND LET ME LOVE YOU, BABY ♪♪
♪♪ LET ME LOVE YOU ♪♪
♪♪ LOVE YOU, BABY ♪♪
♪♪ LET ME LOVE ♪♪
♪♪ YOU ♪♪♪♪
WHERE'D YOU FIND HER ANYWAY?
THE GIRL.
THESE KIDS HANG AROUND.
WE GAVE HER A BREAK.
GIVE HER A TIP FOR ME, WILL YOU?
THE SMALLER THE DRESS,
THE BIGGER THE CROWD.
HERE YOU GO, GUYS.
DON'T SPEND IT IN ONE PLACE.
OH, JACK.
YOU WANT TO COUNT IT?
WE TRUST YOU, LLOYD.
YOU KNOW THAT.
FRANKIE, SINCE I GOT YOU HERE,
HOW DOES NEXT WEEK LOOK?
WE'LL CALL YOU.
DID YOU SEE HIS FACE?
DID YOU SEE IT?
WE'LL CALL YOU.
THE WORLD'S GOOD, LITTLE BROTHER.
DON'T LET ANYBODY TELL YOU DIFFERENT.
WHEW HOO HOO!
GOOD NIGHT, BAKER.
HOW YOU DOING, HENRY?
CAN'T COMPLAIN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE KID?
WHEN DOES HIS MOTHER PICK HIM UP?
HE'S BEEN PLAYING HERE A YEAR.
YOU OUGHT TO COME AROUND MORE.
SO.
HOW ABOUT JACK BAKER?
STILL STOMPING AT THE SHERATON?
IT KEEPS ME OUT OF TROUBLE.
THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.
[YAWN]
TRY TO CONTROL YOUR EXCITEMENT, ED.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE YOUR TEETH.
YEAH, THEY GOT TO GO.
FIVE IS MY GUESS.
I WON'T KNOW TILL I GET IN THERE.
NO BONES?
THOSE DAYS ARE OVER.
DON'T WORRY. WE'LL KNOCK HIM OUT.
HE WON'T FEEL A THING.
EXCUSE ME.
SHOULD HAVE BRUSHED, PAL.
I'M REPEATING WHAT BERNIE AT THE HILTON SAID.
NIGHTS WE PLAY, SHE GETS THREE TIMES THE TIPS.
'CAUSE THE CHIVAS IS FLOWING.
THE ROOM'S PEARLS, NOT POLYESTER.
YOU'RE SAYING WE SHOULD--
GET A PERCENTAGE OF THE BAR.
MEL TORME DOESN'T GET THAT.
MAYBE HE NEVER ASKED.
HEY...
YOU HEARING THIS?
HOW MUCH SHE SAY SHE'S DRAWING?
SHE USED TO WEAR A TIMEX.
NOW SHE'S GOT A SEIKO.
THE HILTON DIDN'T PUT IT THERE.
YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO THIS.
JERRY STEIN BOOKS THE HILTON?
FOR EIGHT YEARS.
FORGET ABOUT THE BAR.
WE'D LOOK LIKE AMATEURS.
WHY NOT ANOTHER 100 UP FRONT?
I DON'T LIKE IT.
IT'S NOT THE WAY WE PLAY THE GAME.
THE GAME IS CHANGING.
OH, NO, THANKS.
I NEVER TOUCH AMERICAN CIGARETTES.
3.50 A PACK, I USE THEM LIKE TOOTHPICKS.
HMM?
PARIS OPALS.
3.50 A PACK.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT IS APIECE?
17 CENTS.
17 1/2.
I FIGURED IT OUT ONCE.
IF SOMETHING'S IN YOUR MOUTH, IT OUGHT TO BE THE BEST.
HO HO HO HO!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
WOO!
HO HO HO!
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S ME.
I THOUGHT I'D THRILL THE KIDS.
MONDAY, BRIGHT AND EARLY.
WE'VE A LONG DRIVE.
MERRY, MERRY.
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU AND EGGHEAD, BROTHERS.
SEEMS LIKE THE HOSPITAL MIGHT HAVE SCRAMBLED THE BABIES.
AH.
HERE'S A LOST SOUL.
WELL,
AU REVOIR.
FEEL LIKE A CUP OF COFFEE?
NOW, ON CHRISTMAS EVE?
NAH.
IT GIVES ME THE SHAKES.
I BETTER GET HOME.
REST THE PIPES.
WANT ME TO WALK YOU?
NO.
THANKS.
LISTEN, YOU'RE NOT GOING SOFT ON ME, ARE YOU?
YOU WON'T START DREAMING ABOUT ME,
LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M A PRINCESS WHEN I BURP?
FORGET IT.
IT'D BE TOO CREEPY WITH US WORKING TOGETHER.
BETTER HURRY. YOU'RE A NICKEL DOWN ON YOUR CIGARETTE.
SUPERCHIEF AROUND THE CORNER.
HMM?
BATHROOM, SUPERCHIEF AROUND THE CORNER.
OH, UH, NO.
I, UH, LEFT MY DOG HERE THIS MORNING.
REGULAR HOURS ARE 8:OO-5:00.
YEAH, I WAS PASSING BY.
I THOUGHT I'D COME SEE HIM.
CHECK ON HIM TOMORROW,
BETWEEN 8:00 AND 5:00.
I THOUGHT I'D JUST, UH...
HEY, PAL,
WE'RE NOT COMMUNICATING HERE, ARE WE?
SO YOU WANT TO KNOW IF HE'S OK, RIGHT?
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT. HOLD ON.
NAME'S BAKER.
SAVE IT.
WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
BLACK.
LAB.
OK. THEY LAY THE DEAD ONES OUT IN THE COLD.
NOPE, JUST A COUPLE OF POODLES.
I WANT MY DOG.
LISTEN, GET OUT OF HERE.
NO, YOU LISTEN, YOU LITTLE FUCK!
GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET MY DOG,
OR I'LL STICK THE MAGAZINE DOWN YOUR THROAT.
WE COMMUNICATING?
ALL RIGHT.
BAKER, RIGHT?
OH.
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE LIGHT IN HERE?
EDDIE!
FORGET ABOUT IT.
HE'S STILL CIRCLING THE AIRPORT.
OOH.
I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS COMING HOME TONIGHT.
OH, WOWIE.
JUST WANTED TO SKIP THE PAPERWORK.
BESIDES, IT'S CHRISTMAS. RIGHT?
MM-HMM.
WHOO!
SO, WHERE'S YOUR MOM TONIGHT?
SHE OUT WITH BIGFOOT AGAIN?
DID YOU PLAY HER THE SONG?
MAYBE TOMORROW, SHE SAID.
WELL, I GUESS IT'S JUST YOU AND ME AGAIN, HUH?
FROM HURLEY'S?
80 PROOF. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT?
GO EASY NOW.
JACK.
OH, YEAH.
CAN I STAY HERE TONIGHT,
EVEN IF SHE COMES HOME ALONE?
OK.
[HONK]
HE'S JUST SEEING YOU OFF, RIGHT?
JACK, THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE.
WE'RE PLAYING A RESORT HOTEL.
YOU CAN'T BRING A DOG.
IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
IT'S POSSIBLE.
GET THIS-- "EACH ROOM IS AN EVENT,
"AN EXCURSION INTO UNPRECEDENTED LUXURY.
"STEP OUTSIDE AND THE ADVENTURE
CONTINUES WITH YOUR OWN PRIVATE TERRACE."
YOU DON'T THINK IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE THAT?
IT'S RIGHT HERE. THERE ARE PICTURES.
DO YOU HEAR THAT, JACK? PICTURES.
WELCOME TO THE ROAD, DOROTHY.
YOU'RE ABOUT TO LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY.
WHY, THANK YOU.
I'LL SEE YOU BOYS INSIDE.
I'LL TAKE THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE CLOSET, OK?
OK.
SINCE MY BED'S ON THE RIGHT, IT MAKES SENSE.
RIGHT.
SAME WITH THE DRAWERS.
OK.
UNLESS YOU WANT THE RIGHT.
NO, YOU TAKE THE RIGHT.
LOOKS LIKE CARMEN MIRANDA
HAD AN ACCIDENT IN MY ROOM.
THEY MUST GET A DEAL ON THESE THINGS.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS?
KIWI.
JESUS. GOT MORE HAIR THAN YOU, FRANK.
NO PEEKING AT TUBTIME.
[STEREO PLAYSPERDIDO]
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
DO YOU HEAR THIS? DO YOU?
I DO NOW.
BEFORE WE PLAY A SINGLE NOTE,
WE'RE GOING TO GET THROWN OUT.
SO SHE'S PLAYING SOME MUSIC.
SHE'S GOT THE HARRY JAMES ORCHESTRA IN THERE!
ELLINGTON.
HEY!
FRANK!
WHAT?
YOU'RE LOOKING A LITTLE TENSE.
OF COURSE I'M TENSE.
IT'S 2:00. SHE'LL WAKE UP THE WHOLE HOTEL!
[KNOCK KNOCK]
SEE?
HI. MASSAGE?
DOWN HERE, GORGEOUS.
FUNNY, I WOULD HAVE FIGURED YOU FOR JOCKEYS.
NEW SOCKS?
NO!
♪♪ THE LOOK ♪♪
♪♪ OF LOVE ♪♪
♪♪ IS IN ♪♪
♪♪ YOUR EYES ♪♪
♪♪ A LOOK ♪♪
♪♪ YOUR SMILE CAN'T DISGUISE ♪♪
♪♪ THE LOOK ♪♪
♪♪ OF LOVE ♪♪
♪♪ IS SAYING SO MUCH MORE ♪♪
♪♪ THAN JUST WORDS COULD EVER SAY ♪♪
♪♪ AND WHAT MY HEART HAS HEARD ♪♪
♪♪ WELL, IT TAKES MY BREATH AWAY ♪♪
♪♪ I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO HOLD YOU ♪♪
♪♪ FEEL MY ARMS AROUND YOU ♪♪
♪♪ HOW LONG I HAVE WAITED ♪♪
♪♪ WAITED JUST TO LOVE YOU ♪♪
♪♪ NOW THAT I HAVE FOUND YOU ♪♪
♪♪ DON'T EVER GO ♪♪
♪♪ DON'T EVER GO-OH-OH ♪♪
♪♪ DON'T EVER GO ♪♪
♪♪ I LOVE YOU SO ♪♪♪♪
MARK MY WORDS.
FROM THIS NIGHT FORWARD,
OUR LIVES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
YOU GET MORE POP FROM TWO GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE
THAN ANYONE I KNOW.
THIS IS A LONG WAY FROM HULA GIRL HIDEAWAY.
REMEMBER, BANANA TREES IN THE LOBBY?
TAKAHAMA'S TAHITIAN.
DID WE PLAY THERE?
I THOUGHT WE JUST STOPPED FOR TERIYAKI.
THREE NIGHTS.
IT'S AMAZING. HE REMEMBERS EVERY PLACE WE PLAYED--
THE DAY, THE MONTH, THE YEAR. YOU NAME IT.
WHEN WAS TAKAHAMA'S, JACK?
AUGUST '74.
SEE, HE'S BRILLIANT. REALLY.
BRILLIANT.
HEY, JACK.
YOU'RE BRILLIANT.
THANKS.
THE SAME WITH MUSIC.
WHEN HE WAS A KID,
NOBODY COULD RIDE THE KEYS LIKE JACK.
MRS. SIMPSON PLAYED SOMETHING ONCE. HE HAD IT.
REALLY?
YEAH. I NEVER WON A SINGLE BLUE RIBBON
UNTIL THE DAY JACK SHOWED UP DRUNK
AT SPRING RECITAL AND PLAYEDONE O'CLOCK JUMP
INSTEAD OFCLAIR DE LUNE.
THE MOOD JUST HIT ME.
[STEREO PLAYS]
HEY...
MOONGLOW.
MOONGLOW?
HIGH SCHOOL FORMAL. I COULDN'T DANCE.
WE TWO DID THE BOX STEP ALL WEEK.
IT WASN'T A WEEK.
IT WAS AN AFTERNOON.
THAT'S COZY.
HE PAID ME.
WORTH EVERY PENNY.
MY FIRST SOCIAL WITH DONNA.
WE FELL IN LOVE DANCING.
I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WIFE, TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN,
ALL BECAUSE OF MY BROTHER.
I THINK YOU'RE OVERESTIMATING THE BOX STEP.
AHH, IT WAS JUST LIKE THIS--
OUR HONEYMOON-- THE MOON, THE STARS.
REMEMBER, JACK?
I WASN'T THERE.
RIGHT.
MY FIRST SOLO GIG.
AHH...GOD, SHE WAS GORGEOUS.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE SHE WAS MINE.
AHH, HOW COME I GOT SO LUCKY, JACK?
YOU'RE A LUCKY GUY.
YOU KNOW...
I'VE NEVER KISSED MY WIFE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
NOT ONCE.
I'M ALWAYS ON STAGE SOMEWHERE.
I THINK I'M DRUNK.
UH, YOU TWO DANCE.
I'M GOING TO SIT WITH THE WALLFLOWERS.
I'M NOT USED TO LEADING.
COME ON, JACK. GIVE THE GIRL A GLIDE.
I THINK YOUR LITTLE BROTHER
PREFERS TO DANCE ALONE.
NO, THANKS.
I NEVER TOUCH FRENCH CIGARETTES.
YOUR BROTHER'S A PRETTY GOOD DANCER.
HEARTBREAKER. A FEW TURNS ON THE DANCE FLOOR,
AND THAT WAS IT.
REALLY?
GOT THEM RIGHT IN THE KNEES.
HAD TO CARRY THE GIRLS OFF.
THRILLING.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANOTHER DRINK, FRANK, HMM?
NO, I'M SLEEPY.
WELL, GO TO SLEEP THEN.
ALL RIGHT.
I THINK I JUST LOST MY CHAPERON.
I THINK YOU'RE SAFE.
SO, WHERE DO YOU KEEP
ALL YOUR BLUE RIBBONS, BAKER?
FRANK KEEPS THEM.
NICE NIGHT, HUH?
MM-HMM.
IT'S SO QUIET.
THE WHOLE WORLD'S ASLEEP.
CAREFUL.
HA.
I THINK I'VE HAD A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
CHAMPAGNE GOES RIGHT TO MY HEAD.
MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL IT A NIGHT.
YEAH.
OH, GOD.
OH, MISS DIAMOND!
THESE JUST ARRIVED FOR YOU.
LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE AN ADMIRER.
THERE'S NO CARD.
THE GENTLEMAN SAID HE'D CONTACT YOU.
HE'S WITH THE CAT FOOD CONVENTION.
I CAN PUT THEM IN WATER.
THAT'S OK.
HUH.
[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]
[PIANO PLAYS]
IT'S NICE.
HUH?
IT'S NICE.
IT'S BEEN FIVE YEARS
SINCE I'VE SEEN YOU WITHOUT A CIGARETTE.
THE WHOLE ROOM UPSTAIRS SMELLS LIKE AN ASHTRAY.
YOU KNOW THAT, HUH?
THE SHEETS, THE CARPET, THE DRAPES, THE TOWELS,
MY TUX, MY SHIRT...
DO YOU WANT TO SMELL IT?
MAYBE LATER.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
WHAT AN INSIDIOUS HABIT THAT IS.
HOW MANY DO YOU SMOKE IN ONE DAY--
HUNDREDS!
THIS IS JUST A WILD STAB,
BUT IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?
LEAVE HER ALONE.
I MEAN IT.
THIS ISN'T SOME HAT-CHECK GIRL
YOU CAN LEAVE BEHIND.
YOU'VE GOT TWO SHOWS A NIGHT WITH HER!
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
I KNOW TROUBLE, AND ITS NAME STARTS WITH "S."
DO ME A FAVOR. RELAX.
YOU DO ME A FAVOR, LITTLE BROTHER.
STICK TO COCKTAIL WAITRESSES.
YOU KNOW MEETING HERE AS WE DO,
SHARING THESE FEW MOMENTS,
I FEEL AS IF WE'RE ONE HAPPY FAMILY--
THE FINE WINE, THE--THE MUSIC.
WHAT'S ALL THIS MEAN?
I DON'T KNOW.
ALL I CAN TELL YOU
IS IT MAKES IT SPECIAL FOR US HERE
TO HAVE YOU OUT THERE.
RIGHT, SUSIE?
RIGHT, FRANK.
RIGHT, JACK?
RIGHT.
OH, IF I COULD.
I'D JUST LIKE TO ADD ONE THING.
I LOVE YOU, FRANK.
I LOVE YOU.
I JUST WANTED TO SAY IT.
[APPLAUSE]
YOU CAME IN LATE ONLITTLE GREEN APPLES.
EXCUSE ME?
YOU HEARD ME.
NO, FRANK. YOU CAME IN EARLY.
YOU'VE BEEN COMING IN EARLY
FOR THE PAST DECADE.
I NEVER MISS THE BEAT.
HA.
I NEVER MISS THE BEAT!
RIGHT. YOU MAKE IT UP AS YOU GO.
TAKE IT BACK.
WHAT IS THIS, THE THIRD GRADE?
TAKE IT BACK!
TAKE A KIWI, FRANK.
HEY!
GO TO BED, FRANK,
OR THIS WILL GET UGLY.
YEAH?
YEAH, COME ON!
IT'S THE FUCKING NEWLYWED GAME.
YOU HIT ME.
I TOLD YOU I WOULD.
[RING]
HELLO.
YEAH.
AHH. NO. THIS IS 512-B.
MR. BAKER IS IN 512-A.
HMM?
URGENT?
NO, NEVER MIND. I'LL GET HIM.
I MADE A DEAL.
TRAINING WHEELS FOR A MONTH,
THEN WE'D SEE.
HE RAN INTO SOMEBODY'S CAR?
MRS. RAMADINO'S. IT WAS PARKED.
BARELY MADE IT OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY.
GOT A PENCIL?
PENCIL, PENCIL, ANYBODY.
HERE.
TAKE DOWN THE NEW YEAR'S SHOW.
NOW, REMEMBER--
FRANK...
START WITH THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES.
DOHAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN.
I KNOW THE SHOW.
THEN THE SONG FROMCAMELOT.
FRANK, GO.
UH...
DON'T HESITATE TO CALL.
COME ON.
ANY WORD FROM EGGHEAD?
I'M THROUGH WITH IT.
I SAVED YOU THE CROSSWORD.
THANKS.
WELL...
HAPPY READING.
[DO NOTHIN' TILL YOU HEAR FROM MEPLAYS]
HEAR ANYTHING YET?
NOT A PEEP.
WELL...I'M GOING TO TAKE A BATH.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
YEAH.
OH, HI.
IT'S FRANK.
SO HOW IS LITTLE FRANK?
OH, GOOD. THAT'S A RELIEF, HUH?
NO. I UNDERSTAND.
CALL ME WHEN YOU HAVE MORE TIME.
HMM?
OH, NOTHING. WE'RE JUST TAKING A BATH.
I MEAN, UH...
SUSIE'S TAKING A BATH.
I'M DOING THE CROSSWORD.
OK.
BYE.
KID'S IN THE PINK.
GOOD.
♪♪ ANOTHER BRIDE ♪♪
♪♪ ANOTHER JUNE ♪♪
♪♪ ANOTHER SUNNY ♪♪
♪♪ HONEYMOON ♪♪
♪♪ ANOTHER SEASON ♪♪
♪♪ ANOTHER REASON... ♪♪
♪♪ FOR MAKIN' WHOOPEE ♪♪
♪♪ A LOT OF SHOES ♪♪
♪♪ A LOT OF RICE ♪♪
♪♪ THE GROOM IS NERVOUS ♪♪
♪♪ HE ANSWERS TWICE ♪♪
♪♪ IT'S REALLY KILLING ♪♪
♪♪ THAT HE'S SO WILLING ♪♪
♪♪ TO MAKE WHOOPEE ♪♪
♪♪ PICTURE A LITTLE LOVE NEST ♪♪
♪♪ DOWN WHERE THE ROSES CLING ♪♪
♪♪ PICTURE THAT SAME SWEET LOVE NEST ♪♪
♪♪ THINK WHAT A YEAR CAN BRING ♪♪
♪♪ HE'S WASHIN' DISHES ♪♪
♪♪ AND BABY CLOTHES ♪♪
♪♪ HE'S SO AMBITIOUS ♪♪
♪♪ HE EVEN SEWS ♪♪
♪♪ BUT DON'T FORGET, FOLKS ♪♪
♪♪ THAT'S WHAT YOU GET, FOLKS ♪♪
♪♪ FOR MAKIN' WHOOPEE ♪♪
♪♪ FOR MAKIN' ♪♪
♪♪ WHOOPEE ♪♪♪♪
OK, BOYS AND GIRLS, FIND A FRIEND.
THIS IS IT.
10...
9...
8...
7...
6...
5...
4...
3...
2...
1.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
SO...
MAKE ANY RESOLUTIONS?
NO. YOU?
NAH. I FIGURE ALL THAT STUFF
IS A BUNCH OF CRAP ANYWAY.
YOU DO WHAT YOU DO. RIGHT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
EGGHEAD WOULD'VE BLOWN A GASKET
IF HE HAD SEEN US TONIGHT, WOULDN'T HE?
YOU'RE GOOD, AREN'T YOU?
I CAN CARRY A TUNE.
YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT.
YOU KNOW, I SAW YOU GUYS ONCE...
YOU AND FRANK...
AT THE ROOSEVELT.
MUST HAVE BEEN A CHEAP DATE.
SOAP CONVENTION.
SOAP?
YEAH. THEY GOT A CONVENTION FOR EVERYTHING.
THIS GUY WAS SOME BIG ROLLER IN SUDS.
AT LEAST HE WAS CLEAN.
SOME OF THE GUYS I MET THROUGH THE SERVICE
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.
THE OLDER ONES, THEY WEREN'T SO BAD--
NICE...POLITE...
PULLED YOUR CHAIR OUT FOR YOU.
BUT THE YOUNGER ONES...
IT WASN'T SO BAD.
I'D GET A STEAK,
FLOWERS, SOMETIMES EVEN A GIFT,
WHATEVER THE GUY WAS INTO.
GOT A SET OF SOCKET WRENCHES ONCE.
THE GUY LOOKED AT ME
LIKE HE'D JUST GIVEN ME FOUR DOZEN ROSES.
BUT I STAYED AT THE HARTFORD ONE TIME.
YOU SHOULD SEE THE ROOMS--
ALL SATIN AND VELVET.
AND THE BED--
ROYAL BLUE, TRIMMED IN LACE,
CLEAN AS SNOW.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
SLEEPING IN A ROOM LIKE THAT
DON'T CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
BUT IT DON'T.
THE BED MAY BE MAGIC,
BUT THE MIRROR ISN'T.
I STILL WAKE UP THE SAME OLD SUSIE.
I DIDN'T ALWAYS.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN...
IF I LIKED THE GUY.
I NEVER LIKED THE HARTFORD MUCH MYSELF.
MY NECK IS SO TIGHT.
USUALLY SINGING RELAXES ME.
BUT I DON'T KNOW TONIGHT.
THANKS.
OH, SHIT.
YOU'D MAKE A HELL OF A FIREMAN, YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU PRACTICE THAT AT HOME WITH A STOPWATCH?
I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE YOU.
EARLY RISER.
YEAH.
I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO RUSH OUT
AND BUY ME A CORSAGE THIS MORNING.
YOUR HIGH SCHOOL RING IS SAFE.
SHIT.
THAT TAKES CARE OF THE WEEK OF THE 5th.
AFTER THAT WE GOT THE AVEDON DOWNTOWN OR THE PLAZA.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, JACK?
YOU WITH ME, JACK?
THE AVEDON'S A DUMP.
THERE'S NO COVER, NO MINIMUM,
AND THEY WATER THEIR DRINKS.
IT'S STRICTLY FOR THE FULLER BRUSH CROWD.
IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
BLACKY CARSON BOOKS THE AVEDON.
HE'S ALWAYS BEEN GOOD TO US.
HE HASN'T BEEN THAT GOOD TO US.
WE'LL TAKE THE PLAZA.
AFTER THAT WE'RE LOCKED INTO THE CAPRI FOR FIVE DAYS.
NOT THE GOD DAMN LUAU LOUNGE AGAIN.
WHAT'S WRONG? THEY DON'T SALT THEIR PEANUTS?
SINGINGFEELINGS KNEE-DEEP IN PAPER ORCHIDS
AND PLASTIC TIKI LAMPS
IS NOT EXACTLY MY IDEA
OF A FUN EVENING.
FUN? WHO PROMISED YOU FUN?
WE GET PAID, REMEMBER?
I'M SAYING MAYBE WE SHOULD VOTE ON IT.
MAYBE WE SHOULD ASK JACK WHAT HE THINKS.
I KNOW WHAT HE THINKS.
IT'S FIVE DAYS. THE MONEY'S GREEN. WE'RE THERE.
BY THE WAY,
SPEAKING ABOUTFEELINGS,
BRUSH UP ON THE LYRICS.
THE OTHER NIGHT, YOU SANG THE FIRST VERSE TWICE.
REALLY?
THAT MUST EXPLAIN THE GASP
I HEARD FROM THE AUDIENCE.
WE TRASHED THE AVEDON AND THE LUAU LOUNGE.
WHAT'S OUR BEEF WITHFEELINGS?
NOTHING.
EXCEPT WHO CARES?
DOES ANYBODY REALLY NEED TO HEARFEELINGS
AGAIN IN THEIR LIFETIME?
IT'S LIKE PARSLEY, OK?
TAKE IT AWAY,
NOBODY WILL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
FEELINGSIS NOT PARSLEY.
FRANK, TO YOUFEELINGS MAY BEFILET MIGNON.
TO ME IT'S PARSLEY,
LESS THAN PARSLEY.
LOOK,FEELINGS,DESPITE WHATYOU THINK OF IT,
HAS BEEN THE BRIGHTEST MOMENT OF THE SHOW
AND A CONSISTENT CROWD PLEASER.
WE'RE OBLIGATED TO PERFORM IT.
IF WE DIDN'T, THE AUDIENCE WOULD BE DISAPPOINTED.
THEY WEREN'T CRYING THEIR EYES OUT ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
YOU PASSED OVERFEELINGS?
YEAH.
BALI HAIWENT OUT
WITH THE BATH WATER, TOO.
I SEE.
THE CAT GOES AWAY FOR THE NIGHT,
AND THE MICE TAKE OVER THE ORCHESTRA.
HEY, I AIN'T NO MOUSE.
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE PARSLEY.
THIS FOOD HAS BEEN SITTING HERE TOO LONG.
IT'S STARTING TO MAKE ME FEEL SICK.
WHY DON'T YOU LOOSEN THE LEASH?
LET'S NOT LET A WHIFF OF PERFUME BLOW OFF 15 YEARS.
BE REASONABLE, JACK.
I PLAY 300 NIGHTS A YEAR WITH YOU.
HOW REASONABLE DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BE?
[JINGLE BELLSPLAYS]
[JAZZ PIANO PLAYS]
CAN I HAVE A DOUBLE VODKA, PLEASE?
I WAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
AND I THOUGHT I'D DROP BY.
LISTEN, DON'T GET NERVOUS OR ANYTHING.
I JUST CAME BY TO...
TALK.
I GUESS YOU FOUND HIM, HUH?
YEAH.
I CAME TO WALK EDDIE.
COME ON.
TERRY'S TAP ROOM.
FIRST GIG WE EVER PLAYED.
THE OWNER GAVE US THAT BOTTLE,
BUT WOULDN'T OPEN IT.
HOW COME?
HE TOLD US TO SAVE IT.
HE SAID SOMEDAY
IT WOULD SOFTEN THE EDGES OF THE BAD TIMES,
MAKE THE GOOD ONES SEEM EVEN BETTER.
WE SHOULD HAVE DRUNK IT
BEFORE WE PLAYED TERRY'S TAP ROOM.
WANT SOME COFFEE?
YOU WANT TO LEAVE?
LISTEN.
THE REASON I CAME BY LAST NIGHT
IS I'M THINKING ABOUT LEAVING...
THE ACT.
IT'S, UH...
I MET THIS GUY AT THE HOTEL,
AND HE LIKED MY VOICE.
AND, IT, WELL, IT'S...
HE THINKS I CAN SELL CAT FOOD
BY SINGING ABOUT IT.
IT'S CRAZY, HUH?
TAKE IT.
I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.
I'M JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
NO, TAKE IT.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU CARED FOR THE KID UPSTAIRS?
I DON'T CARE FOR HER.
DIDN'T LOOK THAT WAY TO ME.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
I KNOW FRANK'S GOT US BOOKED THROUGH MARCH.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT FRANK.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WHAT DOES THAT MATTER?
I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU WITH AN EMPTY MIKE.
THERE'S ALWAYS ANOTHER GIRL.
RIGHT.
THANKS FOR THE ADVICE.
I'LL THINK IT OVER.
♪♪ TEARDROPS ♪♪
♪♪ FALLING DOWN ON MY FACE ♪♪
♪♪ TRYING TO FORGET MY ♪♪
♪♪ FEELINGS OF LOVE ♪♪
♪♪ FEELINGS ♪♪
♪♪ FOR ALL MY LIFE I'LL FEEL IT ♪♪
♪♪ I WISH I'D NEVER MET YOU, BOY ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'LL NEVER COME AGAIN ♪♪♪♪
I TOLD FRANK I'M QUITTING.
CONGRATULATIONS.
AS OF NOW.
WELL, IF YOU NEED A RECOMMENDATION,
YOU LET ME KNOW.
JESUS, YOU'RE COLD.
DO YOU KNOW THAT?
GOD, YOU'RE LIKE A FUCKING RAZOR BLADE.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE ME THINKING
YOU'RE GOING SOFT ON ME.
YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK, DO YOU?
ABOUT ANYTHING.
DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU TO STAY?
BEG YOU TO SAVE THE BAKER BOYS FROM DOOM?
FORGET IT.
WE SURVIVED 15 YEARS
BEFORE YOU STRUTTED ONTO THE SCENE.
TWO SECONDS, YOU'RE BAWLING LIKE A BABY.
YOU SHOULD BE WEARING A DIAPER, NOT A DRESS.
JESUS, YOU AND EGGHEAD AREBROTHERS, AREN'T YOU?
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
OVER THE YEARS, THEY'VE DROPPED LIKE FLIES ALL OVER.
WE'RE STILL HERE.
WE'VE NEVER HELD A DAY JOB.
HE'S AN EASY TARGET, BUT FRANK'S DONE FINE.
YEAH, FRANK'S DONE GREAT.
HE'S GOT THE WIFE, KIDS,
THE LITTLE HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS.
MEANWHILE, HIS BROTHER'S IN A SHITTY APARTMENT
WITH A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER
BIG AS A CADILLAC.
LISTEN, PRINCESS.
WE FUCKED TWICE.
THAT'S IT.
ONCE THE SWEAT DRIES,
YOU STILL DON'T KNOW ME.
I KNOW ONE THING.
WHILE FRANK PUT HIS KIDS TO SLEEP LAST NIGHT,
JACK WAS OUT DUSTING OFF HIS DREAMS.
I WAS THERE.
I SAW IT IN YOUR FACE.
YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT.
YOU'RE A FAKE.
EVERY TIME YOU WALK INTO SOME DAIQUIRI HUT,
YOU'RE SELLING YOURSELF ON THE CHEAP.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT.
I'D FIND MYSELF WITH SOME CREEP
AND TELL MYSELF IT DIDN'T MATTER.
AND YOU KID YOURSELF
YOU'VE GOT THIS EMPTY PLACE TO PUT IT.
DO IT LONG ENOUGH, AND YOU'RE JUST EMPTY.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHORES WERE SO PHILOSOPHICAL.
AT LEAST MY BROTHER'S NOT MY PIMP.
I HAD YOU PEGGED FOR A LOSER, BUT I WAS WRONG.
YOU'RE WORSE.
YOU'RE A COWARD.
MY NAME'S FRANK BAKER,
AND YOU KNOW MY LITTLE BROTHER JACK.
YOU KNOW, MY BROTHER AND I
HAVE BEEN PLAYING TOGETHER FOR...
GOSH, I DON'T KNOW.
JACK.
31 YEARS.
OF COURSE, BACK THEN, IT WAS A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
WE WERE JUST KIDS.
THE ONLY ONE THAT WOULD LISTEN TO US
WAS THE FAMILY CAT CECIL.
WE MUST HAVE SHAVED THREE LIVES OFF THAT CAT, HUH, JACK?
SORRY.
WE'RE NOT GETTING PAID, THEN?
IT'S A TELETHON.
NO ONE GETS A CENT.
WHAT'S IT FOR?
I DON'T KNOW. SOME DISEASE.
WHAT CHANNEL IS IT ON?
71.
71?
WHAT IS 71?
A CHANNEL.
IT'S JUST FURTHER DOWN THE DIAL.
IT'S PUBLICITY.
PUBLICITY IS PUBLICITY, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
[SWEET GEORGIA BROWNPLAYS]
I'LL SEE WHEN WE'RE ON.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE KID?
KNEE.
HE TORE IT UP BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
ACCIDENT?
FIRE.
BUT AT THIS RATE,
WE CAN'T BUY JOCK STRAPS,
LET ALONE A GYM.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
EARL THE PEARL.
WE'RE ON AFTER MR. BASKETBALL.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
WHAT?
WE'RE PLAYING FOR A GYMNASIUM?
LET'S HEAR IT FOR JIMMY MARSHALL.
MOST OF YOU KNOW JIMMY TWISTED THAT KNEE
TRYING TO WIN FOR LAHUGA HIGH.
DOCTORS SAY JIMMY WILL PLAY NEXT SEASON.
THAT'S WHERE YOU COME IN.
MAKE A DONATION.
LET'S KEEP OUR KIDS OFF THE STREET.
ALL RIGHT!
WELL, FRIENDS.
WE ARE VERY PLEASED TO HAVE WITH US
TWO RESPECTED MEN IN MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT.
THE FABULOUS BUNKER BOYS!
COME ON OUT HERE, GUYS.
HEY, NICE SUITS, FELLAS.
A LOT OF YOU AMATEUR MUSICIANS
ARE GOING TO WANT TO RAP WITH THESE GUYS.
SO AFTER THIS, THEY'LL BE MANNING THE PHONES.
WELL, ALL RIGHT!
TAKE IT AWAY, GUYS!
[PLAYS ELABORATE INTRODUCTION]
[BELL RINGS]
WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
TIME TO TURN THAT BOARD.
YOU GUYS HAVE TO WAIT.
JACK...
I FEEL A CERTAIN ELECTRICITY IN THE AIR.
JACK...
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
OK, LET'S DO IT!
HEY!
JACK!
PLAY SOME MUSIC!
GO FUCK YOURSELF, BUD.
LEAVE HIM ALONE!
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? LIBERACE?
ARE YOU OK?
JACK.
WE JUST PASSED THE CAR, JACK.
ARE YOU GOING TO TALK TO ME?
OR IS THIS JACK'S FAMOUS SILENT ACT?
IT WAS FOR PUBLICITY.
WHAT ARE YOU, A FUCKING MORON?
IT'S 3:00 A.M. WHO'S WATCHING, PAPER BOYS?
I DIDN'T KNOW WHEN WE WERE ON.
BASKETBALLS, FRANK.
OK.
YOU HAD US PLAYING FOR BASKETBALLS.
I'M SORRY.
I SHOULD'VE CHECKED IT OUT.
IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU WALK OUT.
WHAT?
IT WASN'T PROFESSIONAL, JACK.
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?
HAVE YOU BEEN KISSING ASS SO LONG THAT YOU LIKE IT?
YOU LET THAT GUY TURN US INTO CLOWNS.
WE WERE ALWAYS SMALL-TIME.
WE WERE NEVER CLOWNS.
WHERE'S YOUR DIGNITY?
DIGNITY?
WHO ARE YOU TO TALK ABOUT DIGNITY?
IS THIS WHERE YOU GET YOUR DIGNITY?
LET'S DO IT STRAIGHT.
I WANT TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU.
THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD
WHO DEPEND ON ME.
I GOT A WIFE AND KIDS
WHO EXPECT FOOD ON THE TABLE
AND HEAT IN THE HOUSE.
I GOT A MORTGAGE, I GOT CAR PAYMENTS.
AND I GOT MY LITTLE BROTHER JACK
WHO'S SO FUCKING SURE HE'S BETTER THAN EVERYONE.
DON'T YOU THINK I'D LIKE TO BLOW SMOKE IN THEIR FACES?
GOD DAMN RIGHT I WOULD!
BUT I CAN'T.
I HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE.
I HAVE TO MAKE SURE THE NUMBERS BALANCE OUT EACH MONTH
SO EVERYONE ELSE CAN GO ON LIVING THEIR LIVES!
YOU DON'T WIN MEDALS FOR IT,
BUT YOU'D NOTICE IF I FOLDED UP SHOP.
SO DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT DIGNITY, LITTLE BROTHER.
OH, TERRIFIC.
WALK AWAY.
YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT, JACK.
YOU NEVER COULD COMMIT TO ANYTHING,
EVEN A CONVERSATION.
IS THAT WHAT THAT WAS?
IT FELT LIKE A SPEECH.
NEXT TIME, SAVE IT FOR THE PTA.
YOU HAD TO DO IT.
COULDN'T KEEP YOUR COCK IN YOUR POCKET.
HEY.
WHO I FUCK IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
YOU GOT THAT?
IT IS WHEN IT AFFECTS MY BUSINESS.
YOUR BUSINESS?
YES.
YOUR BUSINESS?
YOUR BUSINESS EXISTS BECAUSE OF ME.
YOU?
I MAKE THE CALENDAR.
I EVEN MAKE SURE YOUR SHOES ARE SHINED.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU SHOW UP AND SMOKE CIGARETTES.
IF SOMEBODY REQUESTED CHOPSTICKS,
YOU'D NEED SHEET MUSIC.
IF NOT FOR ME, YOU'D PLAY FOR DIMES
FROM THE BACK OF A TRUCK.
YOU'RE A REAL PRO.
A COUPLE MONTHS AGO,
YOU HAD THEM PAYING US NOT TO PLAY.
THAT'S FUCKING GENIUS!
ASSHOLE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
FUCKER!
JACK!
ASSHOLE!
JACK!
JACK.
NO, JACK!
LITTLE BROTHER BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
MY HAND!
MY HAND.
I'M THROUGH WITH IT.
I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE.
♪♪ WHO CAN TAKE THE SUNRISE ♪♪
♪♪ SPRINKLE IT WITH DEW ♪♪
♪♪ TOSS IT IN THE AIR ♪♪
♪♪ AND MAKE A GROOVY LEMON PIE ♪♪
♪♪ THE CANDY MAN CAN ♪♪♪♪
YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE FABULOUS GUYS.
I REMEMBER.
I DON'T REMEMBER.
YOU CAN'T KID ME.
I SEE YOU HERE EVERY NIGHT.
THAT'S WHY I TOOK THE JOB.
I COME IN,
AND I SEEN YOU AND YOUR BROTHER'S FACES.
I FIGURED IT WAS A SIGN OR SOMETHING.
LIKE DESTINY.
HOW ARE YOU DOING, MONICA?
SWELL, ONLY IT'S BLANCHE HERE.
NO, DON'T TOUCH THAT.
THAT'S THREE HOURS COLD.
I'VE JUST BEEN STANDING OVER HERE,
WAITING FOR YOU TO WAKE UP.
FINALLY I FIGURED, I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE YOU HAD AN APPOINTMENT OR SOMETHING.
HERE YOU GO.
BOY, IT'S WEIRD, HUH?
YOU MEET SOMEONE.
YOU THINK YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE THEM AGAIN,
AND THEN...
GUESS YOU GOT CAUGHT IN THE RAIN, HUH?
YEAH.
I GOT CAUGHT IN THE RAIN.
WHEN DO YOU PUNCH OUT?
WHAT?
WHEN DO YOU PUNCH OUT?
YOU'RE MY LAST TICKET.
BUTTON UP ON THE WAY HOME.
IT'S COLD OUT THERE.
HI, JACK.
I TOOK EDDIE OUT.
TAKE THAT TUX IN, JACK.
I COULD DROP IT OFF.
WILL YOU STOP THAT, PLEASE?
WANT ME TO MAKE COFFEE?
HOW ABOUT SOME EGGS?
I CAN MAKE SOME EGGS.
KNOCK IT OFF WITH THAT THING!
YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS.
JACK, YOU WANT EGGS?
YOU'RE NOT MY HOUSEKEEPER,
AND I CAN'T BABY-SIT YOU
WHENEVER YOUR MAMA GETS AN ITCH.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
IT'S OK. MY MOM HAD A LOT OF THOSE.
SOMETIMES THAT'S WHY I CAME DOWN.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO OVER TO THE EMPIRE
AND GRAB A COUPLE OF CONIES?
I CAN'T. I'M GOING TO THE ZOO WITH HOWARD.
HOWARD?
MOM SAYS I CAN'T CALL HIM BIGFOOT ANYMORE.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
UH-OH. I THINK HE'S EARLY.
HEY.
TEACH YOU LATER?
ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY JINGLE BELLS
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
I'VE GOT TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS OPEN.
THEY'RE YOURS IF YOU WANT THEM, JACK.
♪♪ OF DAYS GONE BY ♪♪
♪♪ IN MY SOLITUDE ♪♪
♪♪ YOU TAUNT ME ♪♪♪♪
EVERYTHING GOES, IS THAT THE IDEA?
NO. I'M JUST GETTING TOO OLD FOR TROPHY DENS.
ANYWAY, IT'S A GOOD PLACE
FOR A WORKSHOP.
WORKSHOP?
YEAH. A WORKSHOP.
YOU MEAN LIKE HAMMERS, SAWS, AND THINGS LIKE THAT?
CUT THE BULLSHIT. YOU CAME TO TALK BUSINESS.
THE OTHER NIGHT'S BEHIND US.
IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS,
EVERYTHING WILL BE THE SAME AGAIN, OK?
NOW YOU CAN GO.
I'M NOT COMING BACK, FRANK.
THEN WHAT'S THERE TO TALK ABOUT?
FRANK...
LISTEN...
IT'S NOT YOU, YOU UNDERSTAND?
IT'S ME.
I SIT IN THE FUCKING HILTON
OR SHERATON OR WHEREVER
PRACTICALLY EVERY NIGHT OF MY LIFE,
AND FROM THE MOMENT I GET ON STAGE,
I CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO END.
WE PLAY THE SAME GOD DAMN SONGS
THE SAME GOD DAMN WAY EVERY NIGHT.
I JUST CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE.
I'VE BEEN LYING TO MYSELF LONG ENOUGH.
IF YOU SEE ANYTHING YOU WANT, TAKE IT.
OK IF I TAKE THIS?
COME ON, FRANK. I'M TRYING.
HOW'S YOUR HAND?
FINE. DON'T WORRY ABOUT MY HAND OR ME.
I DON'T NEED THIS ANY MORE THAN YOU DO.
I CAN MAKE JUST AS MUCH TEACHINGCAMPTOWN RACES
TO THESE SNOTTY NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS.
DON'T FOOL YOURSELF.
OPEN IT.
OPEN THE FUCKING BOTTLE.
LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE.
WE'VE GOT "THE AIRPORT RAMADA."
WE'VE GOT "THE TRAVELODGE ON 410."
AND WE'VE GOT...
THE MALLORY.
I'LL TAKE THE MALLORY.
I WANT THE MALLORY. YOU TAKE TRAVELODGE.
MMM.
AHH!
NOT BAD. NOT BAD.
JESUS, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
WE PLAYED THE MALLORY?
'78 NOVEMBER.
MMM.
RIGHT. IT WAS SOMEONE'S BIRTHDAY.
HALLORAN?
HE HAD A DAUGHTER, SWEET 16.
OH, CHRIST. HOW COULD I FORGET?
WHAT A NIGHTMARE.
SHE ASKED FOR IT.
I SAID WE DIDN'T DO VOCALS.
HE SAID WHAT MY SISSIE WANTS...
MY SISSIE GETS.
SHE GOT IT ALL RIGHT.
♪♪ SHE COMES ON LIKE A DREAM ♪♪
♪♪ ALL PEACHES AND CREAM ♪♪
♪♪ LIPS LIKE STRAWBERRY WINE ♪♪
♪♪ SHE'S 16 ♪♪
♪♪ SHE'S BEAUTIFUL ♪♪
♪♪ AND SHE'S MINE ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'RE ALL RIBBON S AND CURLS ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪ OOH, WHAT A GIRL
♪♪ EYES THAT SPARKLE AND SHINE ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'RE 16 ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL ♪♪
♪♪ AND YOU'RE MINE ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'RE 16 ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL ♪♪
♪♪ AND YOU'RE MINE ♪♪♪♪
YOU'RE RISKING YOUR LIFE, YOU KNOW.
YOU GOT A GUN?
THE CAR YOU'RE LEANING ON--
A LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT WITH A BAD ATTITUDE.
I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES.
YOU LOOK GOOD.
YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT.
NO, I MEAN IT. YOU LOOK GOOD.
I MEAN IT, TOO. YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT.
SO HOW'S THE CAT FOOD BUSINESS?
TERRIFIC.
I'M DOING VEGETABLES NOW.
WHAT KIND?
CARROTS, PEAS.
NONE OF THE IMPORTANT ONES.
YOU KNOW, UH...
THE OTHER NIGHT...
I WAS OUT OF LINE.
NO, I WAS OUT OF LINE.
WELL...
I WAS KIND OF ROUGH ON EGGHEAD.
BEATS THE HELL OUT OF ME,
BUT I KIND OF MISS HIM.
OH, WELL...
HE GROWS ON YOU AFTER A WHILE.
SO DID YOU FIND ANOTHER GIRL?
I DIDN'T LOOK.
WELL, I'M GOING TO BE LATE.
♪♪ PEAS, PEAS ♪♪
♪♪ TRY OUR PEAS ♪♪
♪♪ OUR PEAS ARE A DELICACY ♪♪♪♪
FROMSTRANGERS IN THE NIGHTTO THAT.
FUNNY WORLD, HUH?
WELL...
BYE, BAKER.
HEY.
AM I GOING TO SEE YOU AGAIN?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YEAH.
I THINK I AM GOING TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
INTUITION.
♪♪ HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM ♪♪
♪♪ MY FUNNY VALENTINE ♪♪
♪♪ SWEET COMIC VALENTINE ♪♪
♪♪ YOU MAKE ME SMILE ♪♪
♪♪ WITH MY HEART ♪♪
♪♪ HMM, HMM, HMM ♪♪
♪♪ YOUR LOOKS ARE LAUGHABLE ♪♪
♪♪ UNPHOTOGRAPHABLE ♪♪
♪♪ BUT YOU'RE MY FAVORITE WORK OF ART ♪♪
♪♪ HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM ♪♪
♪♪ IS YOUR FIGURE LESS THAN GREEK ♪♪
♪♪ IS YOUR MOUTH A LITTLE WEAK ♪♪
♪♪ WHEN YOU OPEN IT TO SPEAK ♪♪
♪♪ ARE YOU SMART ♪♪
♪♪ DON'T CHANGE A HAIR FOR ME ♪♪
♪♪ NOT IF YOU CARE FOR ME ♪♪
♪♪ STAY, MY FUNNY VALENTINE ♪♪
♪♪ STAY ♪♪
♪♪ EACH DAY IS VALENTINE'S... ♪♪
♪♪ DAY ♪♪♪♪